Pretend That You're Alone

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My Little …

My name? To you, my name is completely irrelevant. It is a subtle breeze in your ears. It is a distant memory in the back of your mind. It is just another label used to identify me.

My story? My story is the story of the ages. My story is also not important. As each word would trickle from my blood stained lips to form a pool of sentences, they would be swept underneath the rug to be forgotten and never heard of again.Therefor, you need not know my story.

My motive? To be heard. For my overshadowed label to dance on the tongues of people everywhere. For the world to know each demon that leaves invisible marks of torment across my thoughts and dreams.

I want to dissolve in the dark and be left in my own decay. This caged monster at the bowels of my diseased soul screams to be released. He gnaws at the bars of his imprisonment, gnashes his foaming jaw, tears at the floor with his gnarled and jagged claws. Can I keep him locked up forever?

No dear, I’m afraid not. Eventually, he will break the chains I had laid upon him to keep him tame, he will overpower my soul in ways I cannot control … And then all hell will break loose.

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Nothing … Nothing At All

The dark claws its way from the bowels of my soul and overwhelms my mind in a whirlwind of memories and resentment. Time slows down as our lives run by me like a movie reel, frame after frame of the happiest moments of my life flaunting how much better my life was than it is now. Our first kiss, when you tried to give me the hiccups in the backseat of my mom’s car, when you wrote “I love you” in the fogged up window, looked at me, and made me realize right then and there that the love I felt for you was real, not that phony teenage love I always heard about. I feel as if I should be getting some kind of message out of this.

Mind, what are you saying? Are you saying I still love him?

No. No, I don’t want to love him. I want to be in peace. I want to leave him behind as a simple memory pushed into the back of my mind so I won’t hurt anymore.

Heart, isn’t this your job? Aren’t you supposed to be the gooey romantic one to tell me this?It’s my mind that’s supposed to be the rational one, telling me to avoid him at all costs, to forget him and move on but …

I look up to see the old shoebox on my shelf where I had stashed all the letters you wrote me, all the promises … The empty, forgotten promises …

A familiar sting of rejection decides to present itself, reminding me of the love I had lost from my own stupid actions of trusting in the wrong person to make me whole. I relied on you to make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and to help me realize what on Earth there could be about me to love in the first place. What I saw in the mirror was always completely different from what everyone else saw. He would see a beautiful, strong, independent, confident woman with a heart of pure gold with a lock only he could unlatch. He saw his future, his present, his everything.

And what did I see? I saw a pathetic excuse of a girl. Shriveled, worn, dark and gray from ghosts of her twisted past that was always chained to an iron ball around her ankle. Ghastly pale, lethargic, repulsive. This is what I saw. The different views were like night and day. I would always be the ugly duckling, the rejected tin toy, the beast. I would always be nothing compared to you.

You, with your soft brown eyes, care free smile, weightless laugh and positive attitude about everything. You, the complete opposite of me. Yet … Yet … There was something about me that attracted you, made you want to get closer, get to know the girl underneath the dark baggy clothing and dark eye make up. You wanted to know why there were some days that she had to force a smile to make her friends think she was OK. You wanted to know why she read books of poetry, listened to music that moved her to tears, spent her time alone sketching pictures of random things with an entranced, almost hypnotic expression on her face. You wanted to know everything.

And you did. I told you everything about me, from the light and airy to intense and gory. You discovered that yes, I was able to smile without it being forced, laugh without being forced, love without being told. You found out the reasons behind my chosen solitude, and you sought to destroy them to see me smile without having a tear build up in the corner of my eye. You wanted to see me soar from my own hell, full of my own personal demons, and join me as I reached my hands out for the heavens beyond, to grab hold of the stars and shoot from galaxy to galaxy. You wanted it all … but you couldn’t have it.

I still hate myself, still sought to destroy the cause of my darkness, still wallowed in my own self pity until you gave up and left. No second thoughts, no regrets, you just left. You grabbed the first open hand you saw and walked off with that care free smile firmly in place, the pressure of loving someone who couldn’t even love herself off your chest so you could live your worry free life.

For days, as I cried myself into a state of starvation, thought constantly of the feel of your lips crushed against mine and how I would never feel that again, prayed to God that I would wake up from this horrible dream and everything be normal, you still wore that smile as you confessed your eternal love for another girl. I was pushed out of your mind the minute she smiled at you. I was just another link on the chain, nothing more than the latest piece of your sick love game. I was once again … Nothing.

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Actions

Envisioned fantasies

Of a morbid fate

I can’t stand your gaze

I can’t stand my hate

All the tears I drowned in

All the screams I whispered

All begging for you to take me away

All begging that you accept the sinner

Hiding behind her book of metaphors and riddles

I loved you

Body and soul

But something wasn’t complete

You didn’t feel whole

Under a broken moon

I ended it

All my suffering

I told you I would end it

You laughed

Convinced I was bluffing

Lying in my own red decay

I have no more words left to say

I wish you had saved me

I wish you had stayed

I needed you

More than life itself

But you laughed in my face

You watched as I dwindled myself

Into the small nothing I’ve become

As I cry

With no one to care

You dwindle me down

Till my soul is bare

I’m screaming with actions

You sit and watch

Reading the stained captions

To help you understand

That you’re not the man

I came to adore

I thought you were so much more

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Emo faggot
Emo faggot
Yes I know
I’m an emo faggot
I’m no good
Not worth your time
But may I say
I wish to make you mine?
Thoughts entranced
In a lush romance
But how could you love
An emo faggot, my love?
I’m no good
I’m a player
But there’s no need for such an atrocious glare
I’m simply asking
Simply pleading
That you sit and watch
While I’m slowly bleeding
Inside out
Outside in
I’m slowly sinking
Slowly caving in
My chest a cavern
With no soul
Breaking your heart is my goal
I know
I know
I’m wretched
But you also are not one of the blessed
You think you’re kind
You think you’re sweet
That bag of charms can’t be beat
But before you say I’m translucent
Take the time to consider
That words are more abusive
Than you think

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Beloved (Waste)

Wasting time on another man

My heart

Again

Broken

This wasn’t the plan

I want acceptance

I want love

Is that so hard?

How could I come so close

Yet still be so far?

Love me

Adore me

I don’t ask for much

Just hold me

Kiss me

Don’t be too rough

I’m only human

I only want you

But your feelings are cold

You claim your love

But it’s far from true

I hate you can’t stand me

I apologize for being such a boar

I didn’t mean to scare you

I didn’t mean to be more of a chore

Than the girl you would die for

The girl that you could adore

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Love …

Dear Love,

I can’t believe it. Together for a whole month. If you count Christmas break. If not, it’s still pretty close. You are so amazing, beyond amazing. You are perfect <3 I can’t sleep at night because I no longer have a reason to dream. You’re all I could ever want and more. Sure, there are faults, but they are so minor that I don’t pay attention to them. You’re so sweet and caring and loving. I have to make myself realize everyday that yes, you really are mine. I open my eyes and know that I’ll get to hold you and I swear I’m still just a little girl dreaming for something that won’t come true. I used to pray to the stars every night for anyone to come and help me feel accepted and loved, but I would never have thought it would be you. I’m glad it was you, with all my heart. I don’t think I could be happier with anyone else, or even happy period if I can’t have you.

Three months later …

You left … Not a single word out of your mouth of why. A simple “It’s over,” and I’m on my knees, the breath knocked out of me as if I had been punched in the gut. A sick bile built up in the back of my throat, a loud crack echoed and rumbled in my chest. My vision slowly melted before me, leaving me blind, lost, and confused as I could feel my world falling apart. You said you loved me … You said together forever … You said I was the one … One last cry of agony, and my world is darkened as I pass out on the floor. Our memories float before my clenched eye lids, all in a line as if on a movie reel. The day we met, the instant attraction I felt towards you, the months of wishing and heartbreak when each girlfriend you had was never me. Then that one faithful day when you took a notice to me … You bothered to look in my direction and smile, and I felt heaven on Earth. Two months later, you say the one sentence I only imagined you saying.

“Would you like to be my girlfriend?”

I would smile like crazy, breathe a soft yes, and scream silently in my head while my cheeks flush with accomplishment. I had finally made you mine. I would never let you go. My teenage girl fantasies were now reality, and the world turned from a dark, wintery gray to the rosiest of pinks. You walked me to my locker, a cocky side grin on your face. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. At lunch, you held me close in the cold weather and I had to pinch myself to make sure this wasn’t one of my many realistic dreams. The slight pinch jolted up my arm, and I smiled wildly. This wasn’t a dream. After school, we walked to the band room together, just like we did every day, only this time we went together. You gave me a sly smile, grabbed my hand, led me out the door, and behind the band room. I knew what was going to happen. My heart fluttered wildly inside my chest, my stomach did flips, turns, backflips. I was a hot mess. You put your hands on my waist, looked me in the eyes, and before I knew, our faces were pressed together, your warm, soft lips against mine. My breath caught as we held each other like that for a while longer. You pulled away, your breathing heavy. I had been your first kiss, and you had been mine. It was something special we had shared together, and we couldn’t have been more pleased with ourselves. A bubbly, girly giggle pushed its way between my lips before I could stop it. I had just kissed one of the most gorgeous guys I had ever met in my life. Not only one of the most gorgeous guys, but … my new found boyfriend. I bit my bottom lip and looked up at you from beneath my eye lashes and saw you watching me with curious, loving eyes. You reached your arms out and held me close to you. The top of my head brushed against your unshaven face. You smelled of Axe and maple syrup, an aroma so intoxicating it would be impossible to forget. The cold wind whipped against our bodies and we both shivered. You held me tighter to keep warm and my stomach did another backflip. I felt so safe, so warm, so accepted. It was the greatest feeling in the world. I never wanted to let go. My phone started to go off in my coat pocket and you let me go. I resisted the urge to let my bottom lip quiver, pulled my phone from my pocket and answered it. You reached for my hand and held for a little longer. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to be by your side for as long as possible. But, my ride had arrived and I was late. I looked at you apologetically, kissed you one last time, and started to walk away. We kept our fingers twined as long as we could until they pulled themselves apart. I watched, saddened as you jammed your hands in your jeans pockets, waved, and ran back inside to get the heat pumping back in your body. I resisted the urge to cry and made my way towards the local middle school, where my ride waited impatiently for me to arrive. It was our first day officially dating, and I already felt like it was meant to be …

Of course, back then, I was still naive. I didn’t know of the near fatal pain you would bring me in the end …

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Monster

I’m a monster

I’m a beast

There’s no beauty for me

Just leave me be

I’m enchanted

My rose is bare

It’s too late for me

Just leave me be

I love you too much

To let you see this curse

That brings out the monster inside me

I can’t release him

I can’t control him

He lays dormant at the bottom of my soul

I look into your warm eyes

So welcoming

Still smiling like nothings wrong

But my life is just another role

I’m playing pretend

This isn’t you

And this isn’t me

Take off my mask of beauty

And you’ll find a creature

Marked with scars of my past

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Skeleton Key

Wasting away

In her world of dreams

Flesh and bones

Held together with ribbon seams

Choking

Gagging

Starving for glory

This is torture

This is my story

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She told me she was fine but her saddened eyes told me a different story. They were as dark as the stormy ocean, and held just as many secrets from her past as a weathered crypt at the old abandoned cemetery. The corners of her perfect, heart shaped lips curved ever so slightly in an attempt to smile, to somehow prove to me nothing was wrong. But as she laid her head on my lap and studied my face, I saw a flash behind her eyes, a memory streaking across her mind that made her eye lids droop as if she needed sleep. She looked absolutely exhausted, but she was still as beautiful as ever. I bent over her and kissed her gently on the lips, so soft she whimpered as I pulled away. I slipped my hand into hers and twined our fingers together, not planning on letting go for the rest of our lives. Her eyes drooped even more and her hand went a bit slack. Her lips parted and a soft whisper floated out of her mouth, barely loud enough for me to hear.

“I love you.”

And then she slipped into a deep sleep, a smile on her face as she went from our world to hers, her own little paradise where anything she wanted could happen.